Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
