I met the friendliest cop last night
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
