you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
