i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
