How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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