they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize