I queefed so loud it echoed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
