I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
