My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
