you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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