When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hippo gnu deer
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
