who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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