Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
