I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
