shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
