Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
