Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
