you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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