I think im going to throw up on grandma
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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