She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
