some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
