So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
