im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
