I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
