He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
