somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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