capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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