If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
