i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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