at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
