She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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