I'll bet she douches with gravy.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
