Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
