shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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