she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
