The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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