Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
