So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
