I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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