they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This toilet bowl is my home.
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