thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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