dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
