if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
