i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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