Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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