ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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