I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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