I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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