my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
