I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
