Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
