Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
