I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
