I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
