Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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