I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Found your dick twin last night
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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