I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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