I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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