I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
