I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
