things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
