I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
