And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
