help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She needs sedatives and a leash
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
