I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
